Alone

Yesterday I yelled at the man I’m married to. I yelled how I feel and how I’ve felt during our last almost ten years of marriage.  I yelled how I feel abandoned. I yelled how I feel unloved. I yelled how he wants something til he has it and then looks for the next new thing. I yelled how he takes women’s hearts and uses then breaks them when he decides he’s had enough because he has had her. I cried that I am not good enough. I cried that I wanted a family like I never had and I still want it with him because we have children together.
So I yelled and I cried. I don’t know why. It never changes anything. I still hurt and feel alone.
I read a romance book today where the main female character said that ‘Princes don’t come. White horses don’t exist. Castles and happily ever afters aren’t for me.’ I know how she felt when she said that. I feel it too.
I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling lonely. Sometimes I try to reach out and connect with people but eventually I go back into my bubble. It’s not that I don’t like them or don’t care it’s that I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know how to relate to them.
I’m going to starting today make a bigger effort to reach those I know are my friends. My goal will be to contact each one once a week and document who I’ve contacted and who I have not on a daily basis so I don’t miss someone and then I could contact them the next day. Maybe then I’ll feel a little less lonely.

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