I am in probably the world’s most messed up relationship. Yeah, it is truly messed up. Let me tell you a bit about it.
I was with this guy and got pregnant. The day I went to the hospital to give birth was the last day we lived in the same house. (Okay, it wasn’t really a house we were living in a camper trailer at the time). The day I came home from the hospital I moved in with his parents. He stayed in the camper trailer because there wasn’t enough room for all of us in his parent’s house (i.e. mobile home trailer). Three months after our child was born, we got married. I, in my naivety, thought we married for love. I was wrong. He only married me so that I could be on his insurance, which didn’t last very long, as not long after we got married he quit the job he had and went back to the one he had which didn’t have as good an insurance as the other job.
A little over a year after we got married I gave birth again. Yes, I was still living with his parents and he was still in the trailer. This went on for another two years. He kept telling me that he’d build me a house, then it switched to we were buying one. And then, tragedy struck. His dad was diagnosed with cancer. Three months later he was gone. The family grieved. My mother-in-law moved into the house next door which was vacated by a sister-in-law who bought her own place. I thought finally we can be a family. Yeah, wasn’t going to happen.
He started spending more and more time at work. Started a second job. The only time I got to see him was to show up at the second job whenever I could. He met a new girl there. He started bugging me about her. I didn’t know her and wasn’t okay with this. (I should mention here that before this girl and before the tragedy we had had girls before, together, as I am bisexual, these relationships never lasted long and I was okay with them.) This girl, I didn’t like. I didn’t know why other than I didn’t know her. Looking back I didn’t like her because of the interest he showed in this girl.
One day in the store I noticed a girl who looked vaguely familiar. I continued shopping seeing her here and there before it occurred to me this was THAT girl. I had an instinctive attraction to her though. We talked, exchanged numbers. (I totally dumbfounded her, but I do that sometimes to people.J) Eventually we hooked up, her and me and my husband. It was great. It didn’t last long.
All too soon he started spending more time with her. I hated it. He was married TO ME. Not her. I didn’t mind him being with her but I should come first. I am his WIFE. She even tried telling him to come home to me. To be with his wife. I was insanely jealous but oddly not at her. I was jealous of the time I wasn’t getting. I still thought we were in love. I fought and argued and tried to work out a compromise to keep me sane and happy. He could not do any of my compromises. The last one was 30 minutes A WEEK with us, his family. I didn’t need intimacy. I needed the time and companionship and his children needed their FATHER.
I finally quit trying to save the relationship. A relationship does not work when only one person is working at it. I think at one point I tried making him jealous. That didn’t work either.
I felt like a failure.
See, my parents divorced. I had a miserable childhood because of it. I swore I would never do the same to my children. I would rather not marry the father of my children than have to deal with going thru a divorce. I would only marry for love. Ha, screwed that up didn’t I? He admitted once that he never loved me. Then he changes and it’s “I still love you, it’s just not the kind of love you need.” What the hell kind of sentence is that!?
I felt alone and abandoned. I still feel this way.
He is still with that girl. I am not, however we are very close, good friends and I love her a lot. My husband and I are still legally married and still live in two different places. I’m still in the mobile home that his parents used to live in. He built a room off the garage he built.
I finally met this really nice guy who I go see periodically. Because we are still married I talked it over with my husband (legally he still is and I can still call him that). I had to get him to okay this new relationship. The new guy knows I am married. I would not hide that from anyone. Relationships do not work well if people lie.
Now he wants to be with another girl, while being with the girl from before. I am like “NO WAY!” He says I have no say as we are not together. Yeah, but we are STILL MARRIED. He showed from that time before that he cannot handle relationships with more than one person. As I still care deeply for the girl, I am totally not okay with this. I don’t know what to do.
He’s told me that I am not the person he married. He is correct, I am not. Now I am more cynical of love, leery of intimate relationships and marriage, and depressed. I am alone. The one thing he once promised me I would never be. So I also do not trust in promises. I think that people leave. Always, eventually. I am hurt. I hurt for me and I hurt for my children, who don’t have the father I feel they should and the family I wanted them to have.
If you cannot in your relationship be honest, compromise, and work things out together, it’s probably not right. If you cannot do this with one person, you definitely can’t with more than one. Choose carefully in your relationships because if you make a huge mistake it will change the life of the person you are in a relationship with. And if you have children with that person, you change not only their life but the lives of any children you have together.