I sometimes wonder if maybe I’m not cut out to be a mother.
Here are my reasons:
I have a depression problem on occasion.
I periodically need a break from motherhood.
I work. At the moment two jobs which gives me a total of one full day off a week.
I go to college. Two nights a week my kids spend a night elsewhere so I can go to class and get my schoolwork done.
I am not a very good cook.
I am not a very good housekeeper.
I am poor. I struggle (why I work two jobs) just to give my kids what they need, and that just barely some weeks, let alone the things they want.
I feel so old and tired some days but, I get up and get the kids off to school go do my jobs and my schoolwork (depending on the day), when I am done with that I go home and start all over the next day. Yeah, I periodically get depressed (who wouldn’t in these circumstances, I make barely over minimum wage at both jobs and use what I make to support me, my small farm, and my two growing children. The only help I get is from the people who watch the kids while I am at work or need a break. I am very thankful for them (usually). I am not thankful for them when they question my motives and question my ability to be a parent. I worry I am not good enough on my own without hearing your criticism. The thing that upsets me the most about this are the people doing the most criticizing are my family. Sure, they are in-laws but to me family is family.
I want to be a better person. I know I am a good person. I help people when there is something that I can do for them. I love helping people. I appreciate the people who help me so when I can do something in return it makes me happy. I like to make people smile so doing some silly stupid thing I know they will like makes me happy.
Some days though all the negativity around me gets me down. It definitely does not help my depression issues to deal with everyone’s negativity.
I know I do not cook well. And I know I am not the world’s greatest housekeeper. Should that really matter? No, it should not. As long as my kids are well fed, clothed and warm, and loved, that is what matters the most.
I am poor. Yes, so is a large portion of the world. That’s life. Should that be a reason to not be a mother? I do not believe so. In fact I believe that good parents don’t come from having money or not having money. It is the desire to see their kids be happy. And some kids no matter what won’t be happy even with all you give them. I tell my kids you want more in life, you want that particular toy, you have to work for it and earn it. They may not like it but that is just the way it is.
I would love to have a bit more money. Just enough to not freak about making sure the kids have enough to eat. To make a decision to feed the kids or my animals (kids win, animals get leftovers). Enough to not have a panic attack when something breaks on my car. I could just get it fixed. Someday, (my positivity showing) I will be at the comfortable point. Right now, I will wear myself out to give the kids what they need.
So, am I not cut out to be a mother?
Go ahead. Make a decision. I know I wonder. I know I am doing the best I can. If that isn’t good enough for you? Well…..what is? And maybe, just maybe, I AM a good mother and you can tell because I wonder if…
Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mother.